@ameliachantalle (:

Friday, February 11

Its been awhile

Its been awhile since I've blogged or written as a matter of fact.

I just feel I'm somewhat lost.

Really lost in my world.

I've been shoved to the direction of which I am not keen. But what can I do when the one I've chosen decides to delay their arrival right?

And so I feel like I'm wasting time and money. Of which is worse, I do not know.

Friends are leaving again, and its tough  but during the time they've been back; its been awesome.

I love having friends around that can just get up and go out the door in 15minutes. Its such a rush, its such an adventure. Especially when you don't know where you're going. Hey! I said 15minutes right?

They've been especially great this time, the girls both far and near. They've been my support, lent me their strength and I can only ever hope to be at least an equally solid friend to them.

Although, they are not my only refuge. My parents have been my morale since birth. They have brought me up well. And as much as I feel that sometimes I am just downright a bad person, I know that I do have a heart.

I may not always use it for fact that one can be very selfish. But I find that I do care. I will ask and I will apologize. Most of all, I will regret and remember. The looks, the tones of voice, these little things I wish to avoid always.

And at this point in life, I've recently been having relationship problems.
How do I convince someone they mean the world to me, when they won't accept that hurdles come along. I feel so so lost in this, it tells me I am not one to discuss but one to contemplate upon. It tells me that it needs to think whether I am worth the tears, the pain, the love...It hurts me everyday.

And everyone tells me I have done all I can. Have I?

How do you just sit there and let decisions made without you, how can I not try?
How can I just watch it all go to waste. These almost 1 and a half years. These tears that will not dry.
This life that slips away. The sunshine fading into darkness.

And though I can speak my mind and be brilliant about ideas, I am absolutely dumb when it comes to solutions and execution. I do admit, I am not the brightest. Even when I am trying my best, someone else seems to be better. Always. I do have insecurities like everyone else.

And even though strangers compliment me on looks, when you do not; it is like a wall preventing me from believing everyone else' comments. But it does not understand, it does not understand a girl what less a woman, I am 21 this year, the same as it. Is this when It says goodbye?

I am but a waiting candle flame, waiting for the wind...

Goodbye.Good day.Good God.

OH Really? You kinda lied.


Anonymous said...

I don't know how but I was just browsing through a few blogs and came across yours...I don't know u but right now my thoughts are exactly the same like what u have written here so couldn't resist commenting.Many a times things are just not in our hands,only acceptance is even though its very difficult but we have no other choice left... :( :(

she rocks your socks :) said...

Thank you stranger, next time. Don't be a stranger okay?
Be a friend!