@ameliachantalle (:

Thursday, August 19

When will I die?

Mortality is funny, no?

We cannot assume it will be late and yet we do not want it to arrive early. 
It is something we all share, not even as humans; merely as living breathing creatures. 

You may be poor but rich and rich but poor. But in the end, we all have to go.

If you believe in a religion, you probably believe in heaven or hell. 

As a Catholic, I believe even if you end up in hell; if you repent. There is a way to heaven..

Its called purgatory. Read for yourselves

YES, I LINKED WIKIPEDIA. *bite me bitch*

So what, everyone references it, they just don't put it down. Cause if they did, the idiots would fail!

Anyways, back to mortality.

It this century with technology at its high point, with humans working like robots and the stress levels peaking there is a green side, as they say "The grass is always greener on the other side". For now, let us hope so. With advancements, we have better health care. But what brings this on is us working like dogs for a majority of our sad existence. Sometimes being human is just too hard. And at the end of it all, we end up paying hospitals our life savings. Just for a few extra minutes of life that we took for granted all this while. Which at this point would seem oh-so-precious? No?

So basically, when you think about it. We work to end up paying hospitals to advance their medicinal "breakthroughs". At one point or another, we are all in a hospital. Whether we like it, or not.

Which brings me to this question, WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL MY LIFE?

At the age of 20, lots of people will tell you that you are young. You have all the time in the world. ORLY?!
My grams might have lived till 70, and the other one is 80 and counting. But what if tomorrow I end up getting hit by a bus? And don't survive, right. Cuz lets face it, me getting hit by a bus, weighing 44kgs and 5'1 in height. I don't think I'd survive well. And even if I did. I might just end up a vegetable. In which case, I'd rather be let go of and not be a burden. 

However,  I would be sad, I'd never done anything, never changed the world for the better, never made my mark. So then, I lived to die? I lived to make friends? I lived to study and never use it? I lived to outlive my parents? I lived to create grief? I lived to love and then leave?

What kind of an existence is that?
Not knowing why you existed. And they say "God always takes the good ones back home first"

No offence Lord, but in that case; I'd choose not to be so good first lah. 

Of course I want to make a difference. I believe everyone does. But we just do not know how. 
The last semester at IACT, we worked with children. Specifically the kids of Assunta Children's Society. They aren't orphans or mentally challenged. They're just underprivileged, coming from poor homes.

I really just want to bring them home and give them everything. They aren't even my kids.  I always say I don't like kids and that is true. I don't enjoy the fact that they cry and whine all the time. And are so annoying that you want to just stick them in a sound proof room at times. But I know that if I actually do have kids, I'd give everything to them, give them the world if I could. Its not because they were mine, its because I'd see in them, myself. 

And even if I died, I'd still be living. Not literally, but I'd be living through them. That is one reason I am sure, parents would rather go before their kids. They love them too much, its just too heavy a burden to bear. 

And even thought that is how we all think the process should run, it isn't always the case. 
A school mate I knew passed away in Form4, age 16. He passed away in a car accident heading back from clubbing, all because the driver was wasted. And he was the only casualty! 
He left behind a girlfriend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father, and a very heart broken grandfather. 

A few years after his death, I met his sister in church. She was a student of mine in Sunday School. She didn't seem to grieve, rather she seemed disappointed and angry that her brother had left. But she wasn't all too emotional. 

Everytime I see his mother in church, I wonder how is it; possible to smile?
It must be just moving on. We never forget even if we move on, we just remember the good times.

But still, at such a young age, if I were to leave? I'd have regrets. A dime a dozen. 

  1.   How did I ever manage to change the world?
  2.  Why was  I born then?
  3. I'd never gotten married or had kids or even,... grew old.
  4. What about those I left behind, sigh.
  5. I never got to travel the world.
  6. Climb a corporate ladder.
  7. Earned money to pamper the one's I loved.
  8. Bought my parents a house and car and brought them round the world.
Sighhhhhhh's all around. I'm just not ready to go. 

What if I take a wrong corporate move then?
IF I end up in jail. 
Get the death penalty. *choiii*
 I don't want to just live and leave. I want to leave a legacy, an imprint on the people who know me and the people I have yet to meet.

Its not about the money, its about the name. The memory that you leave behind. 

I know a lot of the above seems like insecurities, and yes they are. I am afraid that I'll just die in my sleep tonight and not be here tomorrow. Aren't you?

I have so much to live for, so tell me; why is mortality so funny and yet so difficult?

 will you and I end up here, in hell with creatures of the underworld?

 Will we be remembered for all the good we've done? Will we have done anything?
Will they miss us once were gone, or forget us and dismiss our existence?
Will I see this wonderful vision of angels and a light taking me from this earth?

 Will He be there to greet me, and welcome me home?

Mortality, think about it. No matter what your age, you can't escape.

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